Ask a Maniac! (Havasham Archive)

Dear Maniac:

When I am on a crowded subway, at times I am annoyed by passengers who do not hold their backpacks by the shoulder strap, but wear them instead. Not only do they take up enough space for two (or more) people, they usually shove and batter those behind them with their backpacks without realizing it. What should I do?

Signed,
- Buffeted


Dear Buffeted:

Scratch someone wearing a backpack on the subway and someone from an old, noble, and fragile lineage bleeds. In other words, they feel -- and because they are royalty, they feel all too much. It is they who wake up the next morning bruised and aching because they have felt your sharp elbow or pointed kidney through the layers of canvas, foam, and textbooks they wear on their backs for protection. Feel for them as you sink the 4" ice pick into their closest eye socket.

- The Maniac


Dear Maniac:

Thank you for this sage advice.

Signed,
- Buffeted and In Police Custody


Dear Buffeted:

You had your turn so let somebody else write for a change.

- The Maniac