Yes, Virginia, There is a List of 23/6 Posts

AHOYs Are Not Born, They're Made...After They're Born

Vote for the 2007 A.H.O.Y.

Choosing the Asshole of the Year is every citizen's duty.

Our nation's first A.H.O.Y.

You're in Luck -- Kevin Maher's new AMC "Sci-Fi Scanner" is up!

Kevin Maher's latest hilarious offering on the AMC site is a panel discussion of Harry Potter versus "The Golden Compass."

In case the costume fools you, that's me -- the Reader -- via satellite. And yes, that is the mighty Paul Herbig as the Lord of the Rings Fan.

It’s Dick Cheney – And He’s Armed!

Ever since the Poughkeepsie Journal reported this weekend that Vice President Dick Cheney will go hunting at the Clove Valley Rod & Gun Club, the humor’s been flying like buckshot in LaGrangeville, New York.

“The same old jokes are going around,” says Matt Dwyer, who is in charge of clipping bird wings for the gun club. “You know, ‘let’s hope his aim is better now than when he was saying there was an al Qaida-Saddam link’ and ‘I bet the birds know what Valerie Plame felt like.’ Just good-natured stuff like that.’

While some area residents complain about road closings and traffic delays, others say he should be left alone to enjoy some well-deserved R&R and get a taste of what it will be like when he retires to private life to enjoy his deferred Halliburton compensation full-time.

But there are a few class clowns who can’t resist having a little good-natured fun about Cheney’s hunting abilities.

“I’m no Jay Leno,” says one long-time Dutchess County resident. “The man’s here to commune with nature and shoot at it, so we won’t be making with the gags about his aim in the past – like why he’s underfunding the CIA in favor of the NSA. Or the liberties he’s taken with the Constitution.”


spellchecker still picking up "bat-erang"

awl -- new hole in the utility belt (Robin stay out of good tool box)

update Justice League speed dial numbers for Green Lantern
tell Kyle, Hal, Guy, Jon, Alan -- NOBODY is going in top five

remove test gyrostabilization chip from Cuisinart

for WGTM's on-air limerick contest Friday:
There was was a man called The Penguin
A criminal vicious, yet sanguine
Believe it or not
He's Oswald Cobblepot
And his criminal mind (something something)

Call university geneologist re: possible relation to Mad Anthony Wayne

add real fruit juice to batsicle prototype
batsicle too similar-sounding to batcycle?


letter to editor Gotham Gazette, correct web site, search for:
Bat Man

write Gotham Dept of Buildings

  1. lots of abandoned warehouses and former factories, perfect villain lairs
  2. unsafe parapets

Meeting with Comm Gordon -- problems with Bat-Signal / movie premieres

schedule follow-up appt Dr. Goldberg re: batsicles (batstes)


Marcel Marceau (1923-2007), Bip (1947-2007)

He went quietly.

He looks like he's sleeping. With his elbow propped up on a mantel.

Now he's walking against the dirt.

And after all that time trying to escape from a box, too.

Other Perfectly Good Names Can Use in the Future When Referring to General Petraeus

General Slayus
General Mywayus
General Dismayus
General Pompeiius
General Threeseconddelayus
General Oyveyus
General Blueandgrayus
General RachelRayus
General Onomatopoeias
General Doubtthathesgayus
General ComeonandrockmeAmadeus

I Make a Pretty Convincing Dork-on-the-Street

I’m on the interweb!
I’m on the interweb!

For your consideration: I'm currently appearing in the "Dragon Wars" episode of KEVIN MAHER’s excellent video series, “SciFi Scanner,” on the American Movie Classics web site.

Check out Kevin’s other hilarious installments, including:
“Punks Unite to Battle Flesh-Eating Corpses”
“The Worst Movie Ever?”
“The Kinky Space Opera and George Lucas”

I think you will agree they're magical.
Are they safe for work?
Only if you have a door: you’ll want to watch all four. Wearing spandex.

While you’re goldbricking on the company's dime, go to Jay Stern’s report as AMC’s official correspondent to Dragon*Con 2007. He was in Atlanta to screen our new comedy short, “The Ring of Ultimate Power.”

That’s what we did over our summer vacation.

Hope yours was similarly jake.


Fortune favors the annoying.

If you don't understand ideas, pray for them to go away.

A barber who cuts his own hair has a screen door for a submarine.

Hotlanta Dragon*Con 2007 Chaser

Thanks to Kevin Maher over at AMC, we have a nice plug for The Ring of Ultimate Power on their website. And you can read Jay Stern's blog about Dragon*Con here:

*yes, the cat's pucker in Dragon*Con is part of the official name

THE DOSE: Larry Craig Takes Back Everything He Took Back

If cleared of indecency charges, Idaho Senator Larry Craig plans to rescind his guilty plea, take back his resignation, and start trolling for anonymous sex in women's rooms.

THE DOSE: It's the Pen for Karl Rove

Karl Rove, outgoing political advisor to President Bush, announced his intention to write about his experiences masterminding the 2004 defeat of the popular vote and the plot to implicate al Qaeda in order to justify invading Iraq.

No publisher has been found yet for the book about one man's troubled relationship with the U.S. Constitution, which should be titled, "If I Undermined It."

THE DOSE: Rev. Haggard Solicits Again

Rev. Ted Haggard, founder of the New Life evangelical megachurch in Colorado Springs, is asking for it again.

Last week, he emailed a radio station to solicit financial support while he goes back to school in spite of the fact he was given more than $130,000 in severance, receives royalties from many books, and owns a home valued at around $700,000.

Haggard reluctantly pulled out of New Life after admitting to “sexual immorality” in the wake of accusations of a male prostitute. This is not the first time he’s begged for favors from strangers.

THE DOSE: General Pace Urges Withdrawal Method

General Peter Pace, outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, will call for a nearly 50% troop withdrawal by 2008.

He also requests that the last person to leave Iraq remember to turn out the lights.


Dude, it’s official -- Russian President Vladimir Putin is having a mid-life crisis as bad as your Dad’s or something.

Remember when your Dad started washing the car five times a week when those college girls moved in?

Ever since Putin went on vacation in Siberia, he hasn’t had his shirt on once.

All of a sudden they get all, “You shouldn’t be carrying those heavy groceries.” Or else, “Ooh, let me bait your hook for you.”

Also? Your Dad’s new car is nothing next to Putin’s plane with the solid-gold sink and the solid-gold shower. Anyway they look solid gold.

Your Dad got new shades and Putin got some.

Your Dad goes to Miami, Putin goes to the North Pole.

Acting like they discovered it.

Putin got a dog and some new gym equipment.
Somewhere Putin’s wife was probably saying the same thing as your mom.
“Maybe it’s good for him. It’s good for his heart cholesterol” or something.

Mostly what it means is you’re walking that dog and shoveling the minefield.
Your Dad got a new guitar – a Les Paul. Don’t worry. Putin’s got his axe also.
Maybe they would have more time to learn how to play if they weren’t busy sticking their head in the picture next to the girls every time.

But in real life, he’s just another boring business guy.

Seriously? I’m not even trying to be harsh, but that could be your Dad that Putin’s talking to right there except your Dad would be wearing his baseball cap.

No offense, Dude, but if that was my Dad?

I would tell him stay out of Siberia.


For the first time since parting company with "business associate" Bernard Kerik, presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani slipped up in public and alluded to Mafia ties.

In a New Hampshire town hall meeting, Giuliani repeatedly warned that his real allegiance is to "family" – perhaps one of the Five Families in control of organized crime in New York City.

After an audience member questioned the fidelity of his "family" (his daughter said she supported Barack Obama), Giulini warned, "The best thing I can say is kind of, 'Leave my family alone just like I'll leave your family alone'."

Paolo Pezzino, a University of Pisa History professor and author of a book on the Mafia, writes that mob members "exercise sovereignty functions – normally belonging to public authorities." Former mayor and public prosecutor Rudolph William Louis "Rudy" Giuliani also shares with "Cosa Nostra" an Italian-American descent, Roman Catholicism, and a fondness for nicknames.

Giuliani threatened the stunned audience: 'I love my family very, very much and will do anything for them.'

By "my family,” it was uncertain whether he meant Bonanno, Genovese, Lucchese, Colombo, or Gambino, but one thing was for certain: Giuliani appeared to be visiting New Hampshire solely in a bid to extend his control, territory and influence.

Why? Why?

Why are there books and plays and movies about people who have been sucked into their computers?

Did this happen with every tool while it was new?

Are there archives somewhere of people trapped and racing against time to escape toasters and buggy whips?

Hotgust in Atlanta

"The Ring of Ultimate Power," a comedy short I made with Jay Stern and Alan McIntyre Smith, premieres at the Dragon*Con 2007 Film Festival on Labor Day Weekend.

It says here Dragon*Con is "America's largest annual convention for fans of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror, Comics and Art, Games and Computers, Animation, Science, Music, Television and Film."

This is your big chance to see our little movie on the big screen and enjoy the work of some very funny people:

Clyde Baldo ~ Will Carlough ~ Tom Carrozza
Mary Micari ~ Mickey Ryan ~ Victor Varnado ~ Jeff Ward

Thrill to Zach Abramson's mighty score!

Be in awe of Frank Spitznagel's compulsory Euro-y pop song over the end credits!

Jay will be there to chaperone "The Ring of Ultimate Power," so be sure to look for him.

Things -- besides law and sausages -- people should not watch being made

1. Supermodels

2. Show tunes

3. Baby geese

4. Martyrs (While we're on the subject, what is it with certain people they can't live and let live? You'd think everybody ought to have their minds on the Roman occupation or the continual threat of drought and frog plagues. But do they mind their own business? Hell, no. The minute they don't agree with somebody, they've got to pants the guy.)

Grow up. Be the bigger fanatic.

Psst. Hey, Buddy.

Can You Keep a Handshake?

Too Enlightened

Is this a scorpion or a pseudoscorpion?

At some point last week, I did a little meditation and cleared my mind completely of some things it turns out I need.

Stamp Grudges

Despite what the Italian government would have you believe, this is not the likeness of Archimedes of Syracuse:

However, in a grand gesture of the too little/too late variety, the Posteitaliane issued a stamp ("hooray for Archimedes and his water screw and hey what do you know, he was brutally murdered"), the geezers cynically stuck on the image of the Spartan king Archidamos III as if we would neither know nor care:

I say, just apologize for sending a Roman army to sack Syracuse already and be done with it. Stamps are poor recompense for running a guy through. Even the kind you don't have to lick.

And lest we get up on your high horses about the truthfulness of our own government, let me remind you: just as paleontologists were making real headway and our population began to reconcile itself to the apatosaurus, along comes a U.S. Postal Service issue featuring the long-since-Pluto'd brontosaurus:

Archimedes invented war machines that could do some serious damage to ships.

The apatosaurus was really big and stompy.


Now cheer up and think of the screw!

What to Expect as Far as Libations

"In heaven there is some beer."

Byron, the Cocktail Party Monkey

Ask a Maniac! (Havasham Archive)

Dear Maniac:

When I am on a crowded subway, at times I am annoyed by passengers who do not hold their backpacks by the shoulder strap, but wear them instead. Not only do they take up enough space for two (or more) people, they usually shove and batter those behind them with their backpacks without realizing it. What should I do?

- Buffeted

Dear Buffeted:

Scratch someone wearing a backpack on the subway and someone from an old, noble, and fragile lineage bleeds. In other words, they feel -- and because they are royalty, they feel all too much. It is they who wake up the next morning bruised and aching because they have felt your sharp elbow or pointed kidney through the layers of canvas, foam, and textbooks they wear on their backs for protection. Feel for them as you sink the 4" ice pick into their closest eye socket.

- The Maniac

Dear Maniac:

Thank you for this sage advice.

- Buffeted and In Police Custody

Dear Buffeted:

You had your turn so let somebody else write for a change.

- The Maniac

LSAT Answers

Mary Magdeline : Pontious Pilate

Good Cop : Bad Cop

Quisp : Quake

I'm Not the Unreasonable One Here

I go to a friend’s apartment and ask if I may have any loose change I find. Not the coins in the souvenir beer stein on the dresser. Not the buffalo head nickel in the "collection" (two coins in all, in a blue cardboard tri-fold presentation folders). Not even the 47 cents I’m liable to find sunk between the cushions of the sofa.

All I want is the money in the saucer by the computer, the handful of nickels and pennies in the bottom of the suitcase, the dime languishing under the bed, the few coins that fell behind the bookcase or rolled beneath the stereo, whatever span into the corners where the socks are wadded.

If you can’t grant me that, what are we really talking about right now?

Scale of Importance (All Values Measured in Shakes of a Fat Rat’s Ass)

Lose crappy expensive cell phone in a cab (phone stayed shut only with a rubber band or hair elastic and had only one week left on the contract, anyway) – 1

Secretary in the next cubicle promoted to Assistant Office Manager – 2

Older sister gets Mom’s charm bracelet – 5

Ex-boyfriend goes out with the redheaded waitress at Bar Sinister – 8

World Peace – 400+

A Journey of Science

Good news: I just got back from some time travel!

One of my old roommates built an awesome time machine and wanted to know if I was busy this past weekend and if not I could come up and visit and BY THE WAY have a go at changing the past – which they tell you never to do, but COME ON people.

This is 2007 and you’d think we’d have learned that our history, both individually and as a nation, has plenty of spotty areas that (1) no one will miss; (2) you’re not proud of; (3) ended up in a crappy, crappy way. If you take a minute to think about things instead of letting your knee-jerk Sesame Street I'm-a-very- special-person reaction sub in for a true gut feeling, you will see that the past should be tampered with as much as possible. Smallpox blankets, Hutus versus Tutsis, WMDs -- nothing in there you’d like to revise?

So I went by Richard’s lab at MIT and he hooked me up for a spin in his machine. Let me tell you, it was awesome! If this is what we are doing in our space program, I sure would have used all my power to hide any diaper-and-drive impulses I had so I could join up with NASA. It is a rush you never thought possible to be belted into a whirring contraption and know you are experiencing the reversal of all natural laws and treading a territory you thought belonged only to others and would never happen to you! So, yes, I guess in a small way it made me understand where some people come up with this urge to seek power (see smallpox blankets, Hutus v. Tutsis), or at least it made me understand the desire to make comparisons to historically important experiences like walking on the moon or finding the source of the Nile or discovering radiation and then dying from it like Madame Curie so then THEY NAME IT AFTER YOU until your journal reads like bad erotica without the constant references to sex, temperature, and machinery.

Just as Richard said would happen, I stepped out right in front of Saks Fifth Avenue and it was ten days ago. I went straight up to that second floor counter and, instead of buying Mango I opted for the Aubergine Moisture Rich Creme lipstick – no matter what the saleswoman said, no matter if she did look better in that white lab coat than Richard did. Under the florescent light, it did look good, but let me tell you, in daylight, in real life, it made my teeth as yellow as candy corn.

When I got back to Richard’s lab, he said I had been gone for no time at all. We Google’d as insurance and, although several pedestrians had seen the capsule outside of Saks, there was no evidence that the past had been wildly altered but hello can you hear me -- do I look sallow to you in this lipstick or is the past wicked altered? That’s a scientist for you!

Misfortune Cookies

You will trip on your laces.
Lucky Number: 0

You will not win the lottery.
Lucky Number: 13

You will hate your next haircut.
Lucky Number: 666

You will lose your keys and then find them in a place you could swear you already looked.
Lucky Number: 3.14

Not a euphemism

Anna Sui Ring Rouge

Bitter, after reading Bullfinch

Times New Roman, a font probably stolen from the Greeks.

Not Only Easy to Swallow -- They're Sanitized!

We, as a nation, have not always yammered on about carbs and reps before taking the televised compulsory victory lap on the beach with an Irish setter.

A Jousting Targe

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in a hallway glass case on the way to the Arms and Armor, there is a jousting targe something like this one:

Something like, yes; however, the one I mean goes by the nickname "cat. no. 69.169" and is painted with an owl grasping a branch while a ribbon unfurls itself in an arc overhead, proclaiming:


"Though I am hated by all birds, I nevertheless enjoy that."

That is one stone cold hoot owl.

Welcome to The Dharma Agni Jnana Prana Ananda Loka Motel!

As you know, “Dharma Agni Jnana Prana Ananda Loka” means “moral piety sacred fire intuitive knowledge life force bliss realm,” and we here at The Dharma Agni Jnana Prana Ananda Loka Motel need your help to insure that your room becomes your own moral piety sacred fire intuitive knowledge life force bliss realm during your stay.

We make a conscious effort to conserve the blessings of water. If we were to change your sheets and towels every day, it would only serve to waste water – not to mention use energy and brutally introducing detergents (assuming you have opted for the “soap-treated linen” choice upon check-in) into our nation’s precious water supply. Because it's so important to us, we will wash your linens only when you leave. If your personal habits require that we change them more frequently, go ahead and throw them on the floor if this is what you do at home.

In addition to saving water by limiting laundry, we use low-flow toilets. We would appreciate it if our visitors would keep flushing to once – or, at most, twice – an hour while you are with us. Also, please limit your time in our low-pressure shower.

Tidying your room every day would require a commitment of countless hours of labor -- not to mention the use of energy -- and cleaning supplies (assuming you have opted for the “substance application” choice upon check-in.) Dusting, straightening, and
vacuuming a low-traffic area more frequently than once a week is just plain wasteful. Chances are you will not even notice the difference under our energy-saving compact low-luminosity fluorescent bulbs! An added feature of this romantic lighting choice is that our lamps put out 47% less heat than conventional bulbs; you will be that much less likely to miss air conditioning in the summer.

We encourage our guests to lead a healthy, active lifestyle. Why not feel better about yourself every morning you are with us? Wake up, shake off the craving for stimulants like tea or coffee and take responsibility for making your own bed. After that, have an invigorating wash and leave your room right away. Go on -- get out there!

All too soon, it will be time for you to go. We will miss you. The mandatory check-out time for our guests is 11:00 a.m. and there will be NO EXEPTIONS MADE. Well before you must be gone, simply strip your bed, draw the blinds, turn out the lights, bring your garbage to the basement, move your suitcases to your car and be sure to return the baggage cart to the lobby. Leave your key at the front desk.

Gratuities gladly accepted!

That Damned $5.00 Psychic

What do I need with somebody telling me my past? If I wanted to hear about my past, I'd send for my high school transcript and return my ex-husband's phone calls.

Go Here -- Do This

Visit the First Sundays Film Festival site:

and watch "Suffer the Little Children."

Features on the new 36th Floor copy machine that could also be the names of cable television network original crime drama series

The Collator
The System Monitor
The Counter
The Document Feeder
The Scanner
The Sorter
The Finisher

Negative Ad Campaign

Though it’s not campaign season any more -- or yet -- it's never the wrong time to go negative:

Superlative T-Shirt Slogans

Just Because There's Snow on the Roof Doesn't Mean the House is Properly Insulated

You Don't Have to Agree with the Present Administration to Work Here, But It Helps

I'm with Stalin ------>

Kiss Me, I'm Churlish
Kiss Me, I'm Irate

This Isn't a Bald Spot, it's a Solar Panel for a Love Machine. Also, I Lost My Hair On Account of Too Much Testosterone.

Thomas Paine's Lesser-Known Works

Common Misconceptions

Sixth Sense

Gut Feeling

Women's Intuition

Educated Guesses

Thoughts...from the Heart

That new kid was dangerous.

We said, "Jinx, you owe me a Coke."
She said, Jinx, you owe me a beer."