Kids who want to get high tragically end up with minty fresh breath instead

http://www.236.com/news/2008/01/25/kids_who_want_to_get_high_trag_3820.php

Knut the Bear Makes a Come-Back

After falling on hard times, young Knut the bear finds his star is on the ascendence again as the Berlin Zoo fields film offers from production companies. After looking for an excuse to foist its young charge off on another animal park, the zoo now takes a particular interest in Knut, especially as any film deal would net a substantial sum.

It was only last month when the Berlin Zoo was considering proposals of a very different kind as other zoos took pity on Knut and offered him shelter when his keepers announced he would be forced him to move, allegedly because the Berlin Zoo did not have enough room to keep him. But the prospect of cashing in on the innocent bear and his adoring, affluent audience has inspired an about-face; now zoo officials have taken a sudden interest in Knut. Now that Hollywood has come calling, there is no longer talk of ousting Knut – at least, not as long as he remains a celebrity.

This on-again/off-again fame is feeding into the vulnerable young bear’s insecurities. Besides putting on “shows” for zoo patrons, Knut regularly exhibits attention-seeking behavior. He has even gone so far as to fake an injury, perhaps as a gambit to receive medication, though zoo veterinarians deny that the bear is a seeker or that he is in any way dependent upon painkillers.

According to industry insiders, Knut is squaring off against demons familiar to many former child celebrities who have not yet made a stable transition to adulthood. Like Brooke Shields, he has battled depression while in the public eye. Like Linda Blair, he has outgrown the roles of his youth, and is desperately searching for his “Roller Boogie” and “Up Your Alley.”

But the question remains: will the Berlin Zoo help Knut to find himself, or become the worst breed of stage parent, exploiting the young and inexperienced bear and feeding him an unwholesome diet of limelight and flattery? One thing is for certain: it’s only a matter of time before YouTube clips of Knut and his personal assistant, Thomas Doerflein, are pulled for infringement of the Berlin Zoo’s hottest property – for now.

***UPDATE

Uh-oh.

Yes, Virginia, There is a List of 23/6 Posts

http://www.236.com/news/2007/11/22/on_thanksgiving_elected_offici_2503.php

http://www.236.com/news/2007/11/27/only_28_cybershopping_days_unt_1_2555.php

http://www.236.com/news/2007/12/05/rudy_giuliani_has_another_city_2690.php

http://www.236.com/news/2007/12/07/oneyearold_polar_bear_has_more_1_2780.php

http://www.236.com/news/2007/12/20/have_yourself_a_very_little_ch_3035.php

http://www.236.com/news/2007/12/20/236_christmas_guide_how_to_sav_3067.php

You're in Luck -- Kevin Maher's new AMC "Sci-Fi Scanner" is up!

Kevin Maher's latest hilarious offering on the AMC site is a panel discussion of Harry Potter versus "The Golden Compass."

In case the costume fools you, that's me -- the Reader -- via satellite. And yes, that is the mighty Paul Herbig as the Lord of the Rings Fan.

It’s Dick Cheney – And He’s Armed!

Ever since the Poughkeepsie Journal reported this weekend that Vice President Dick Cheney will go hunting at the Clove Valley Rod & Gun Club, the humor’s been flying like buckshot in LaGrangeville, New York.

“The same old jokes are going around,” says Matt Dwyer, who is in charge of clipping bird wings for the gun club. “You know, ‘let’s hope his aim is better now than when he was saying there was an al Qaida-Saddam link’ and ‘I bet the birds know what Valerie Plame felt like.’ Just good-natured stuff like that.’

While some area residents complain about road closings and traffic delays, others say he should be left alone to enjoy some well-deserved R&R and get a taste of what it will be like when he retires to private life to enjoy his deferred Halliburton compensation full-time.

But there are a few class clowns who can’t resist having a little good-natured fun about Cheney’s hunting abilities.

“I’m no Jay Leno,” says one long-time Dutchess County resident. “The man’s here to commune with nature and shoot at it, so we won’t be making with the gags about his aim in the past – like why he’s underfunding the CIA in favor of the NSA. Or the liberties he’s taken with the Constitution.”

THE DOSE: Larry Craig Takes Back Everything He Took Back

If cleared of indecency charges, Idaho Senator Larry Craig plans to rescind his guilty plea, take back his resignation, and start trolling for anonymous sex in women's rooms.

THE DOSE: It's the Pen for Karl Rove

Karl Rove, outgoing political advisor to President Bush, announced his intention to write about his experiences masterminding the 2004 defeat of the popular vote and the plot to implicate al Qaeda in order to justify invading Iraq.

No publisher has been found yet for the book about one man's troubled relationship with the U.S. Constitution, which should be titled, "If I Undermined It."

THE DOSE: Rev. Haggard Solicits Again

Rev. Ted Haggard, founder of the New Life evangelical megachurch in Colorado Springs, is asking for it again.

Last week, he emailed a radio station to solicit financial support while he goes back to school in spite of the fact he was given more than $130,000 in severance, receives royalties from many books, and owns a home valued at around $700,000.

Haggard reluctantly pulled out of New Life after admitting to “sexual immorality” in the wake of accusations of a male prostitute. This is not the first time he’s begged for favors from strangers.

THE DOSE: General Pace Urges Withdrawal Method

General Peter Pace, outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, will call for a nearly 50% troop withdrawal by 2008.

He also requests that the last person to leave Iraq remember to turn out the lights.

OH, MAN, PUTIN’S HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS AS BAD AS YOUR YOUR DAD’S!

Dude, it’s official -- Russian President Vladimir Putin is having a mid-life crisis as bad as your Dad’s or something.

Remember when your Dad started washing the car five times a week when those college girls moved in?

Ever since Putin went on vacation in Siberia, he hasn’t had his shirt on once.

All of a sudden they get all, “You shouldn’t be carrying those heavy groceries.” Or else, “Ooh, let me bait your hook for you.”
Sick.

Also? Your Dad’s new car is nothing next to Putin’s plane with the solid-gold sink and the solid-gold shower. Anyway they look solid gold.

Your Dad got new shades and Putin got some.


Your Dad goes to Miami, Putin goes to the North Pole.


Acting like they discovered it.



Putin got a dog and some new gym equipment.
Somewhere Putin’s wife was probably saying the same thing as your mom.
“Maybe it’s good for him. It’s good for his heart cholesterol” or something.

Mostly what it means is you’re walking that dog and shoveling the minefield.
Your Dad got a new guitar – a Les Paul. Don’t worry. Putin’s got his axe also.
Maybe they would have more time to learn how to play if they weren’t busy sticking their head in the picture next to the girls every time.







But in real life, he’s just another boring business guy.




Seriously? I’m not even trying to be harsh, but that could be your Dad that Putin’s talking to right there except your Dad would be wearing his baseball cap.



No offense, Dude, but if that was my Dad?

I would tell him stay out of Siberia.

GIULIANI HINTS DARKLY AT MAFIA CONNECTIONS

For the first time since parting company with "business associate" Bernard Kerik, presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani slipped up in public and alluded to Mafia ties.

In a New Hampshire town hall meeting, Giuliani repeatedly warned that his real allegiance is to "family" – perhaps one of the Five Families in control of organized crime in New York City.

After an audience member questioned the fidelity of his "family" (his daughter said she supported Barack Obama), Giulini warned, "The best thing I can say is kind of, 'Leave my family alone just like I'll leave your family alone'."

Paolo Pezzino, a University of Pisa History professor and author of a book on the Mafia, writes that mob members "exercise sovereignty functions – normally belonging to public authorities." Former mayor and public prosecutor Rudolph William Louis "Rudy" Giuliani also shares with "Cosa Nostra" an Italian-American descent, Roman Catholicism, and a fondness for nicknames.

Giuliani threatened the stunned audience: 'I love my family very, very much and will do anything for them.'

By "my family,” it was uncertain whether he meant Bonanno, Genovese, Lucchese, Colombo, or Gambino, but one thing was for certain: Giuliani appeared to be visiting New Hampshire solely in a bid to extend his control, territory and influence.