Despite what the Italian government would have you believe, this is not the likeness of Archimedes of Syracuse:
However, in a grand gesture of the too little/too late variety, the Posteitaliane issued a stamp ("hooray for Archimedes and his water screw and hey what do you know, he was brutally murdered"), the geezers cynically stuck on the image of the Spartan king Archidamos III as if we would neither know nor care: 
I say, just apologize for sending a Roman army to sack Syracuse already and be done with it. Stamps are poor recompense for running a guy through. Even the kind you don't have to lick.
And lest we get up on your high horses about the truthfulness of our own government, let me remind you: just as paleontologists were making real headway and our population began to reconcile itself to the apatosaurus, along comes a U.S. Postal Service issue featuring the long-since-Pluto'd brontosaurus: 
Archimedes invented war machines that could do some serious damage to ships.
The apatosaurus was really big and stompy.
Sad. 
Now cheer up and think of the screw!
Stamp Grudges
Ask a Maniac! (Havasham Archive)
Dear Maniac:
When I am on a crowded subway, at times I am annoyed by passengers who do not hold their backpacks by the shoulder strap, but wear them instead. Not only do they take up enough space for two (or more) people, they usually shove and batter those behind them with their backpacks without realizing it. What should I do?
Signed,
- Buffeted
Dear Buffeted:
Scratch someone wearing a backpack on the subway and someone from an old, noble, and fragile lineage bleeds. In other words, they feel -- and because they are royalty, they feel all too much. It is they who wake up the next morning bruised and aching because they have felt your sharp elbow or pointed kidney through the layers of canvas, foam, and textbooks they wear on their backs for protection. Feel for them as you sink the 4" ice pick into their closest eye socket.
- The Maniac
Dear Maniac:
Thank you for this sage advice.
Signed,
- Buffeted and In Police Custody
Dear Buffeted:
You had your turn so let somebody else write for a change.
- The Maniac
I'm Not the Unreasonable One Here
I go to a friend’s apartment and ask if I may have any loose change I find. Not the coins in the souvenir beer stein on the dresser. Not the buffalo head nickel in the "collection" (two coins in all, in a blue cardboard tri-fold presentation folders). Not even the 47 cents I’m liable to find sunk between the cushions of the sofa.
All I want is the money in the saucer by the computer, the handful of nickels and pennies in the bottom of the suitcase, the dime languishing under the bed, the few coins that fell behind the bookcase or rolled beneath the stereo, whatever span into the corners where the socks are wadded.
If you can’t grant me that, what are we really talking about right now?
